Waits Family Annals

In 1996, I was Freshman at International School Bangkok (ISB). I wish I could say I was one of the cool kids, but I don’t think I can… and that applied to just about everywhere I went to school. ISB did house my largest group of friends. It must have been the hat I insisted on wearing to school (it had a +9 toward attracting friends and chicks)… or the troll on my shelf (+2 against Jerks who made me cry). We had our share of shenanigans. Good shenanigans, but shenanigans nonetheless. Perhaps I will write of them here one day. Unfortunately, I know my parents silently lurk in the Interwebs, and I don’t want to cause anyone’s premature death. No, today I wish to relate one of the most intense political battles I can remember. Michael Moore (yes, that Michael Moore) once told me as we walked to the bus that he was going to make a documentary about this race and my involvement in it. He did, and it won him an Oscar. Two of them in fact.

In 1996, Columbine was still three years away and we were a carefree generation. The Intertube had just reared its head in my school and home in the form of text-based Unix commands and alt.whatever chatrooms. I remeber using Gopher to find sweet stuff. Like the Anarchist cookbook. At ISB, I was part of the über-cool Boy Scouts of America, maybe not über-cool– I don’t know if it deserved the almighty umlaut, but we had some sweet trips… Anyway, I took the Anarchist Cookbook my friend Scott had printed at home, and asked the school print shop to make five copies and bind them.  The aid looked at the manuscript, then at me and asked what this was for. “Boy Scouts,” I said. He simply nodded and told me to pick it up after lunch.  I share this to explain my interest in Nitroglycerin. In the Cookbook, there was a recipe.

At this time, the school was holding its annual student body elections. On the last day, I entered my name on the ballot for Freshman Treasurer. I did not campaign. I just showed up on the appointed day and gave a speech. The speech was approved by all the proper channels, and I had a lot of fun writing it the hour before it was due. I still have a copy, and have transcribed it below. I thought it was hilarious, and assumed my fellow classmates would laugh uproariously. The Donkey to my Elephant was one of the Eikenberry twins, I believe. Original spelling and punctuation has been maintained:

Good day students, teachers, family, and especially the class of 2000! My name is Todd… Todd Waits, I am running for the treasure of my beloved freshman class.

I have big plan for this school. One of my planes will involve napalm and nitroglycerin opps sorry wrong speech. The big plans I have are so big that any mortal mind cannot comprehend the largeness of these plans. Actually, their not that big, but I plan to make money for the freshman class. Of course, what good-natured treasure wouldn’t.

I am sure you all want to hear my qualifications for this job in great detail so I will give them to you. Pay close attention here I am not going to repeat them.

Number 1   I can read and I can almost write oh yea and my English teacher says I am very good at drawing trees. I find that this is a skill one must master to be an excellent treasure.

Number 2   I can communicate with every one so you can rest assured that you will always hear from me the money situations.

I also guarantee to save you money and with that extra perhaps you may choose to invest in a school Porsche.

Let me give it to you straight, and what’s more straight than a simple promise.

I promise you, that if voted into the position of freshman student council chief financial officer I be an extremely capable treasure thinking of your every need or want. Oh yes an may there always be peace, justice, and the International way.

The ballet that you will receive is missing something and that is a check … a check by the name the one you trust, the one you know will be right for this job, a that name is Todd Waits.

Silence. No laughter. A few stifled giggles, but those were from my friends. After an awkward moment, there was some polite clapping and I took my seat. In this day and age, I would probably be put on a terrorist watch list and meet with a counselor once a week to discuss my anger issues. Oh yea… I lost.